The Last Trip Down Perp Highway

This is the recent evolution, how my thinking has shaped of the turn of events of the last two weeks, which were a culmination of the last 2/3 month period after the 'winter respite'.

I never really got too far along, because I was so busy trying to prove it (to myself, others....) and so busy being upset at losing those that didn't support me ....the two together..not a funny thing..

 I have figured out the next layer....a question surfaced at the last moments of writing my first post, a week ago.

It was an important question and answering myself has had a most a healing effect.

Do perps know that they leave those bumps and grooves everywhere they go?

Now that I think about it, I think they ARE aware of them.

It took all these years for me to name what I was seeing for those years of what continued to go on unidentified.  Then in last week's post I had also I remarked that the foliage had suddenly bloomed (after the winter), and with it, the bumps that I had mashed down during the post winter melt had also started to 'come back', just during the last week.

This did horrify me last week.

But slowly I am figuring out that they want me to know they are there...and to continue to fear........

It will not happen that they will go away, I will always find new bumps in my gaze...and underfoot, all spread around, even at my neighbours' and surrounding other grounds.

Just as in the beginning almost a year ago, there were 4 months of daily realizations, it seems that I am starting to get a few new ones as the weeks turns over, soon approaching the year mark of becoming aware that I was/am a TI.   The winter gave respite, but now, the summer is back.

I did say in the last post that I'd document the coming destruction of the foliage during the summer, but, it's gotten so bad so fast, since last week, that I have come to a new conclusion.

They DO want me to know that they are there.  There is now no longer a a need or question of trying to prove it.

That is their goal!  That they are there is their message.

I first noticed all the trails in and out of my property around the 21st of August 2008 (just a couple of days before that, they had cut a couple of deep scratches into my car ...to REALLY get my attention - all the other stuff wasn't working, so they gouged the car).

It is now June 27 2009....a baby making period has passed and I am reborn.

I am left with this.

I know that the address to where I moved my office two years ago (after moving it out of a rented place that had started to smell like proliferated mould) was left on the table in 'other' home and that the perps know about it.  I know that last winter during a snowstorm the windshield washer arm for the back window was suddenly 'broken' .....all these things they do, they are little messages - they want me to know that they are there......that is their message.  Now when I walk the dog wherever I go, I am so sensitized to the foot prints, I can't deny their presence (they know that I always 'go out and walk the dog', and that I will no doubt see those prints)..... ok, so they know about my office, and when I stay there they spray coke on my car, or some other gummy substance....

ok

Even though I have now secured myself (thanks to them and their activities I have been forced into becoming more organized and have amalgamated my living and working systems) and they can't get in anymore.  Bu I also know that they didn't just disappear, and like a chess game, each player continues to makes their moves.  I could get scared about how badly things could escalate, and keep making more and more moves.  

They wanted me to know that they were there, for all those years; and once I had figured it out, that they had come into my home, and that they had gotten inside my head, I've passed the year in awe about what has happened, the future is ahead of me, and I could really allow the fear level to get out of hand.

If I had any desire for privacy before this event, I don't have it any longer.  Anyone can ask me anything, and I will not have a care in the world to tell them anything they want to know, not after all of this.

Does it matter that I discovered a technique for 'reading grass'? Not really.

People don't want to know about this - the very thought is HORRIBLE.  I know what I have lived, no one can do anything about it, and I have decided that all I can do is to write it down and now, forget about it.  Now that I know about it I can go on....I've written my story, maybe it will help to give (all the details about reasons for good locks, privacy as valuable as valuables, cameras, things to look for, methods, reasons, perp potential attitudes, lack of police help they aren't at all equipped for it, they need evidence, and then, they would need a whole squad just for one TI - it won't happen) some perp awareness to the complacent average good citizen.

I'm not a perp, but for my own preservation I was turned into a perp watcher and their mentality entered my mind through my feet.

What was the purpose?  To make life crazy-making....  To keep me always on the lookout (I think that's quite a stress provoking activity if you add up the years to come....

Funny, only yesterday someone came to my house..... we just took a few steps together ....I started with a short comment, ......"during the last two months I have evened out the bumps in the lawn made in previous years, and it has recently started to happen again a few days ago that I twist my ankles when I walk around on my lawn" .

........  and I heard them say the words I have been trying to tell others for all these months;

"You just have to 'walk, look and feel'..... ".    (They even showed me a couple of other places on rocks and wood  planks where it was obvious that they had been stood upon - all I had noticed before this was the grass).

The words are still resounding in my ears.... "walk look and feel............"

Finally someone witnessed what I have been living

I'm thinking regretfully but thankfully, that this experience has helped to separate the wheat from the chaff......I couldn't do it myself, figure out the true relationships in my life....

I know who my friends are now...It took something like this to show me how some people in my 'old' life, really perceived me, perhaps a bit eccentric, and not someone who's word they would take for much.

Now that I've figured it out, the perps can't get in to my life anymore, but they can and will continue to creep around my house, there is no denying the paths that they make all over the place, I don't make them, it is my property, but they will continue to go there anyway, and there's nothing I can do about it.  They will continue to 'observe me' that's their kicks, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I just have to accept it, and so what if I twist my ankles everywhere I walk.

So what.

They are the Kings of their Domaine.

And just to state something that I could never allow myself to make so clear publicly, until now.

I found the bumpy imprints outside, 10 days before I realized that I had bumpy floors inside.  (It has taken these last 10 months to figure out why bumpy inside, why the same 'turn step' as outside - why do the floors get bumpy like that, it's because they are looking for cameras - read on).

It was Labour Day morning 10 months ago....that day I woke up and suddenly realized that, like my lawn, 'MY FLOORS WERE BUMPY'.  I was in such a panic when I went to the police....my face must have showed the psychological mess I felt inside.

As I stood outside the building on this quiet holiday waiting for one of two officers on duty to come out, my senses started to work on the lawn patches surrounding the police station.

I just walked, looked and felt, and it was undeniable, but the officer could not, at the time, allow themselves to entertain even a whisper of this truth - maybe one day they will.  I spent the next 10 months not only feeling abused and confused, but also like I must really be as crazy as the implications of the surfacing 'lack of support friendships' were starting to suggest.

At the police station that day it didn't take long before a glimpse of 'perp action' entered my brain, but it's taken these 9/10 months to name the whole picture.  They turn in circles, constantly, turning left and right, checking if they are observed, not only outside in nature, by either people or cameras, but also inside, they are checking for cameras (it was only recently that I realized this, that they are always suspicious about whether or not, and if and when, the target will have figured it out).  

These people are obsessed with their crime of watching people, and cameras.....in our technological age, the thrill has increased with the camera technology, but as well they must be also be wary of it being used against them (but as I found out, it seems that it will take 'our sleeping public' a while before we figure out that we are being watched and played with - and no one would/could ever imagine that there are such sordid things to guard against).  They are masters, probably they buy all the camera gear and test it, and know how to get around without being seen....they even dared to go to the police station to prove it to themselves, as if silently 'waving their noses' at the police.

They are proud of their methods of 24/7 and ways of escaping detection.  This makes them bold.  They are the king of the day, and the night, the schemes... the possibilities, the probabilities....it is such a fantastic crime, they don't get caught, they can kill without bloodshed and without leaving believable evidence, and it is fun.....

.........but as well as being bold they must also guard against being seen -  like an element of paranoia mixed with thrill.  It is a constant battle of wits, to make the target play, it's like chess....they want me to be scared, they want me to spend more money to secure myself, they used to enjoy breaking things so that I'd always have to... inconvenience myself, look for things, waste more time, spend more money, and now that the ignorant stage is over, they will keep walking around some more (because they can) just to let me know that they are still there...to scare me some more, make me wonder what next.....then I'll do something again....like spending 'how much on a fence to keep them out of my forest'? ... because I'm scared...............? 

Well, they are scared too - they don't want to be caught, and are always looking for cameras - they are in their bold paranoid game, all by themselves....because starting now, I won't play anymore, I've found out all I could find out, made the connections of past mysteries, and seen all I want to see.  They will always be there, and that's what I have to live with.

I think I have figured out that there is no more to figure out.  

It only took me 10 days to figure it out, and 10 months to name it.  I figured it out right from the start, and right from the start, at the police station, I was disbelieved - but you just have to walk, look, and feel.

Last week I wrote this poem - I find it goes appropriately here - it's called:

I Thank the Perps

... for waking me up

... for turning me into an activist (from whence I lived in complacency).

I think better

 I write better

I am now an adult

instead of a lost little adult child

I've had to ""wake up""!

.............an activist against the things I tried to humbly swallow as a citizen.

 I never had the words.

Moses never had the words.........

Until the time came that it was necessary for them to come forth, and God would give him the words.

 I was given the lesson, and I was given the words.

Now I am in a new world, wheat and chaff separated for me, and I have all the (few) friends I need.

Because I had no idea how to figure it out.

Until now

I've been forced to wake up.

And stand up for myself.

Wherever it came from, and wherever it will lead me.

Lastly I thank myself for finally waking up and figuring it out ....... and I curse that part of myself that only seems to learn with hard lessons.

All this being said, I am not thrilled to go outside and find their traces and messages, stepping along the edge of my garden where I put carrot seeds..... so what if I don't get carrots.  So what if they walk in my forest and I twist my ankles....

The buzz line is, on public roads anyone has the right to walk wherever they want.  So what's so surprising, if perps take advantage of that and go on people's property...

Well, I still don't like it, but can't change a thing - even though I try to see the silver lining in how my life WAS turned upside down...., each time that I come in after seeing 'today's traces', my energy does switch .......

I will still tell myself that I doesn't bother me, that that's why they are doing it, "they do it so that I will notice it, which in turn, will bother me..

AHA - that must be another purpose....to 'dwain' out all the happy creative juices.  But this is not the time for that, I just have to accept that it will take as long as it takes, to do what I do, and write what I write.